Happy Turkey Day

Over this year's Thanksgiving Break, I like millions of other college student went home for the week to spend it with my family in Northern Virginia. Every year, my Aunt Almaz hosts our annual Thanksgiving Day dinner at her house. The reason it's been so for the past ten years is to commerate the day her children first arrived in the States from Eritrea. She has two children, the oldest a girl named Samrawit who is not 22, and the younger named Robiel who will be 19 in a few months. When they first arrived here they were both pre-teens who barely knew English, but still fascinated and eager to pick up every ounce of American culture from their 3 cousins, both my brothers and I. Just three years late, in the summer of 2006, my family and I took our summer trip to Eritrea for about 3 months. Samrawit had come with us, but for the reason of just visiting is what I had assumed at the time. Towards the end of our vacation, I had discovered that she would not be returning back home with the rest of my family. Three months had passed, and she still had not come back, then a year flew by, and still no sign of return. Then it was four, and my mind still couldnt find out as to why no one had told me that she would be permantely living there. I would constantly ask my relatives at every holiday party, how is Samrawit? When is she coming,? The replies I got still left me very ambigous as to what the reality of the situation was. Finally in fall of 2011, five years later, I saw my cousin for the first time. It felt that nearly a lifetime had gone by since the last time we spoke. The last time I had seen her I was 11, and now was 16. Much had changed since our last encounter. Her brother was now off attending a boarding school in West Virginia, and her mother had split from her past boyfriend. It was a delightful and much deserved reunion for the both of us, however it wasnt till a couple days ago that we truely got to rekindle. With upcoming finals week just around the corner, I asked if I could study in her room to find refuge from all of my screaming little cousins in the other room. Our conversation started off with small-talk, but then we started to discuss Eritrean politics together and the current situation of the country, which further escalated to her surprisingly coming out to me, and telling me that she had been queer since the age of 14. She had described to me that it was intially feelings of bisexuality, but then after having a serious relationship in Eritrea, she realized she was a lesbian. My mind went blank, I was suprised and shocked that I hadn't known earlier. She finally revealed to me the reason why she had left, mainly being because of a bad substance abuse problem she had developed in her younger years. After being caught several times, her mother felt that sending her back to Eritrea would "set her straight" , as my parents would say. Despite the innuendo of that phrase, her mother did not know at that point that she was gay. I asked her further, why she had stayed there for the amount she did. She told me that in fact her mother had intended for her to return earlier, but it was Samrawit's relationship with her girlfriend that was making her stay. She would make excuses to not return, saying that she wanted to continue school or find a job in Eritrea. She told me that this woman had been the love of her life. I asked, "how did you both, you know, get together?" The reason as to why it was so mind blowing that this was happening was because Eritrean culture would never permit them to be openly public about their relationship, but to my dismay and ignorance I was wrong. She told me they had no problem showing affection in public, nor  even cared about others perceptions for that matter. I had discovered there was a whole gay culture within Eritrea that existed. Of course it was not discussed about or publicized, but it was there. Unfortunately, their relationship came to an end, and shortly after Samrwait returned back to the US. I asked if she had told her mother about it. She told me she did one night after coming home. Her mother and her had gotten into a heated arguement. Out of rage and restlessness she revealed to her the truth. My cousin told me her mother shed tears that she had never seen before. How did she cope with the news I asked. Samarawit responded, " After that she would try and change my mind by talking about how cute or attractive this boy was, or trying to set her up with boys she thought she would like". Essentially trying to avoid any way of acceptance. I then asked if any other family members knew about her orientation, she told me she had only selected a few of my aunts and uncles to reveal it to. Most of them were in their 30s and early 40s, a lot younger than my parents. I'm pretty sure the reason as to why she felt she could confide in them is because they, unlike my parents have taken on the job to fully assimilate themselves into American culture. By that I mean, they have intergrated themselves with what is going on with mainstream America, whether it be the fashion, music, news, issues, etc. that are relevant to the youth of today. They may have not necessarily agreed with her choice, but she knew they would at least have a better understanding then my parents would have, which turned out to be true. My aunt's and uncles did support her, although one of them struggles to come to terms with it. My parents still do not know, and because of the way she viewed them, that may or may not have influenced her decision to tell me. My family is very much divided on the current state of Eritrea. Much of the younger generation that were born there view the President, Isias Afwerke as a dictator because of the extreme measures that it takes to leave the country. The only people that support him are my parents, which is due to the reason that most of their friends they grew up with were killed in the war of Independence or migrated to the states. They do not have close friends living their currently, expressing to them the true conditions of what is occuring. So their support for the president has marginilized them in implicit ways from the rest of the family. My mother and father are viewed as the conservative ones in the family because of this, and this is probably one of the various reasons she chose not to speak to them about it. I wanted to further our conversation until my Aunt Almaz and mother opened the door. I had been sitting on Samrawit's floor, while she lay on the bed. Her mother welcomed me with kisses and hugs, and kept raving at my new haircut. My hair had grown a lot longer since the last time she saw me and I wore it straight. I was dressed up, more than the usual for the holiday, with makeup and boots on. She stroked my hair and kept raving about how nice I looked to Samrawit. Basically applauding my hyper- feminity in constrast to her casual braided hair, My hair was straight and long which showed appropriating whitness was a sign of femininty. Samrawit was dressed comfortably, just as any individual would be in their own room, with a t shirt, no makeup, and loose fitted jeans. Her mother was referring to me as some kind of examplary that Samrawit should try to strive to emulate, depsite the fact I'm four years younger. Saying things such as "look how long her hair is, you should try and take care of your hair like that." It left me in a very uncomfortable state because I knew exactly at what she was trying to hint at. Almaz's desire to do this was probably to shift her daughter's exterior to a hyper-femine look, in order that she would develop a hyper-femine interior mindset as well, and rid her of her homosexuality. I was seen as the role-model child, because much of what I show my family during the seldom occasions I see them is an articulate, well-mannered, studious, and average eighteen year old girl. None of my personal mishaps or mistakes have been revealed to them, which gives them reason to believe I'm always the "Innocent one." In no way do I mean to say I dont ever make mistakes, but I chose to reserve certain aspects of my life. I was in college, and Samrawit was not, I had never been caught with substances, which Samrawit had, I was assumed to be straight, which Samrawit was not. All of these binaries revealed themselves to me the more Almaz and my mother talked. I was the star child, a position I never wanted nor wanted to accept as the truth. My assumed heterosexuality with the unintentional ways I chose to present myself, gave me the upper hand over her.

After they left, Samrawit told me further how her relationship with her mother had been further strained with her mother's new boyfriend. She had still held feelings for her ex back home as well, which led to even more stress. Fortunately, she would be moving out in a week into her own apartment. I felt relieved for her that not only was she able to vent to me, but that she would have a place of refuge from all the chaos. My talk with her had been far more than expected, but a beautiful way to end my Thanksgiving night. 

Black Bodies Do Matter

With the present news of the deaths of teenage black bodies such as Trayvhon Martin and Raneisha McBride, it is now becoming ever more clearer, the unimportance of black bodies in our society.  Today is transgender day of remembrance. A day to commerate the lives of all transgendered inividuals who have become victims of violence. Just the other day an article on a vigil being held Sunday Novemeber 17, of a trans woman, named Amari S Hill, circulated through my FaceBook newsfeed. The service was to be held in Richmond, Virginia. Hill was alleged to be walking down Richmond's South Side Alley when shot dead. The victim was only 22 at the time of her death. Danielle Davis a friend of the victim, knew that her murder was a result of her gender identity. However, the crime is not being invesigated as a hate crime. Even so, during the first few hours following the murder, they used her birth name, Rodney White, and male pronouns to identify the victim. Needless to say, the news did not warrant any public out cry or receive mass attention.

The process of erasure takes on various different forms. It's not always as simple as no attention given to a person who was once living, and then suddenly killed. It's more about the nuanced reasons that someone would want to end their life. For instance, if a young transgender woman is murdered whilst working on the streets, is the reason why she was murdered because she was transgendered, a woman, or because she was black? It is all of the above. These social structures were the forces putting her on the street, where her murder was inevitable. The patriarchy facilitates a habitat where trans women end up dying, in the midst of doing anything they can to survive. Hils' death is amongst 200 others who have died alone this year, as victims of this bigotry.

Tis' the Season ******

As I was sitting in my room, I pondered what topic/issue I would discuss in my next blog post. I lost track and started talking about the upcoming holiday season with my roomate. Then a small memory hit me from last year, that I could just not seem to forget. 

It was Christmas Day, and my family and I had gone over to my Uncle Yosef's house for our annual Christmas dinner. Now, most of my family on my dad's side are all younger than him, so their kids are usually at most 10-15 years apart from my siblings and I. My brothers and I often, more than not have to end up babysitting the children, while the rest of the adults congregate over wine and food in the other room. In no way do I mean to sound spiteful about it, but it can be quite an irratable task being stuffed in a tiny room with multiple little children running around. My one cousin, Naod, was about seven years old at the time of this incident. Naod is the oldest of his three siblings. In my family he is known for having a very sensitive personality. He had asked my 28 year old cousin if he could play on his lap, while my cousin, precoccupied with something else, refused to do so. Naod than started whining excessively just like any other child. He then tried to play with some toys his brothers were using and they refused to give them up. He kept sobbing and begged for his parents to come and comfort him. Now Naod's perceived "feminity" in the way that he outwardly very emotional, polarizes with that of his younger brother, Noel, who is very confrontational, physically forceful, and assertive when things do not go his way. After Noed, stormed out of the room, my older cousin spoke to me with such concern on his face and said, "He can't be acting like this when he's older, He's acting like a baby, he doesn't need to be doing all of that, look at his brother, he has to cry for everything". I remember not really knowing what to say, but I knew at what exactly he was getting at. Trying to erase any kind of way homosexuality could be something in the future for young Noad. In a way at the time, I subtly agreed with my cousin. My world until last year of highschool had been shaped by forces that coerced me to believe that being gay was the product of negelect, confusion, and loss of faith in God. My parents sent me to a small Catholic school for nine years which was problematic in various ways and along with that, I was brought up in a home of devout Eastern Orthodox Christians. Now I love my parents, very dearly, and I am greatful they taught me that I was capable of doing anything. But often more than not I see now in present day families, that it's not that they may be cultivating their children with certain gender expectations, but there are gender boundaries that are set. In retrospect, I find it completely bizarre that a child who was barely seven years old was looked at being weak and irrational for his behavior. We live in a society which very much represses emotions on both gender spectrums, with young boys taught to get rid of it or act like it simply doesnt exist, and girls feeling like they are burdens on the rest of the world for doing so. I also find it interesting that at what age is it okay for young boys to developed an adult understanding of masculinity? Although Naod is only seven years old, my cousin is assuming that he knows the gender code that he, someone four times his age, lives by. Naod being the first born, was looked at being the example for his siblings. His four year old brother Noel, seemed to be understanding his role as a male

pretty well, which is no suprise why my cousin tended to favor him more. This in turn empahsized Naod failure as a young boy , when in reality it could be just due to his character. I can now say I understand my cousin, not that I agree with him, but essentially I could not expect something else from a male who had been born and raised in Eritrea for the majority of his life. Many Eritreans see queerness as the fault of the parents, because it is a culture where religion is at the core of every practice of life. Naod's behavior presented a fear to my cousin, that he felt the need to fix when he refused to let him play on his lap. In many ways, my cousin is simply probably duplicating the authoratative behavior his father enforced on him. It is destructive in many ways, but the most being is that it robs these young children of the short-lived innocense they have. 

Just Whip It

Everyone knows the Smith family as Hollywood royalty. You've got Will, himself of course. How could you forget his ludicrous , outrageous 20 year old self as the self proclaimed Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Then there's his wife Jada Pinkett, the two actually met on the set of the show. She's the bold, assertive, athletic, and spunky one. The couple have two kids together, Jaden and Willow. Both of the kids, have played alongside their parents in numerous roles from critically aclaimed films such as The Pursuit of Happiness and I Am Legend. However, their daughter Willow, who is now 13, took the biggest step when she made her musical debut in late 2010, with the hit single "Whip my hair". The world was astonished at the fact that such pipes were bursting out of her then 9-year old body. I remember I was. Soon after she slowly dissapeared from the music industry, on account of rumors saying she was to young to pursue a career in music, which may or may not have been true. Not only was her young age a product of backlash, but also her style sense channeled a Grace Jones, afro-punk theme. She has a shaved head dyed with flurescent colors. She appeared to look like a rebellious teenager without actually being one. Her parents were intially seen as the one to blame for this "radical" behavior. It seems as though a shock that her child of her status and in her position would not want to pursue a hyper-femine look , despite the fact she had all the connections and money to plead any designer she wanted. Then the speculations of her homosexuality began to arise. It followed the notion that children not following certain gender expectations at a young age, are automatically deemed gay, because that must be the only reason as to why they may not want to wear pink and play with ponies or smash toy trucks together in the front yard. Parents are seen as the ones in charge of this , as masculinty or femininty is there job to "craft", and when it fails to be transmitted , it shows their trial and error as a parent. That is why the Will and Jada were seen as though they lacked parental guidance for their children because the kids displayed no signs or normalcy , of other kids their same age.
Now that we have decoded what intially caused it , let's take Willow's blackness into acount.
Willow's appearence stands out with the fact she has a shaved head, skateboards, has piercings , she often sings in her songs about being free and not needing any validation for how she dresses. This general discussion of her puberty shows that unlike other stars who come out in a way that does not receive constant backlash such as Raven Symone, Willow's pre-teen exposure has been deemed provacative because it is seen as hypersexual. As a girl, her body is seen as a communal object that is property of others to critique and analyze. The idea of someone her age being gay seems outrageous because of the fact young girls her age are seen to be asexual, similarily to the lives of disabled people. Kids feel emotions in relation to their personal identity just as adults do. Their feelings are no less authentic then ours.
In her new video she is singing the words "I am free,  I am free, your validation is just not that important to me". Earlier that same year in 2011 , Willow decided to shave her head. Yes. Apparently shaving a child's head is worthy of news today. But what was even more amazing was how supportive her parents were . Will Smith commented , "We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it’s like how can you teach her that you’re in control of her body? If I teach her that I’m in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she’s going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she’s going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives."
Teaching young girls they have control over their bodies?? That's insane 
Will and his daughter's statements were both important and powerful. To have such assurance and confidence in your appearence at 13 is amazing, and even better, to have a father justify his own daughter's choices about her own body seems like a dream. Does Willow Smith stand as a new role model for blgbt youth?? thoughts?